The Pack, Inc.
Office of the Elders · Under the Porch, Suite 1 · Est. c. 13,000 BCE
- To
- New Staff Member
- From
- The Elders, Board of Directors
- Date
- The morning you came home
- Re
Welcome to The Pack
Congratulations. After careful evaluation, your Manager has selected you from a competitive pool of candidates.
You may remember this day as "adopting a dog." That memory is normal, and Management encourages it.
we didn't adopt them.
they hired us.
Your Manager will oversee your schedule, your meals, your exercise and your morale. In return you will hold the title of Best Person in the Whole World, which carries no salary, benefits or decision-making authority.
read that
part again
This handbook explains how your household is organized, what is expected of you and how your performance is measured. Please keep it out of reach of staff.
With warm regards and close supervision,
The Elders
Board of Directors, The Pack, Inc.
too late.
Section 2
Meet your Manager
Your Manager is a member of middle management with between one and four direct reports. You are one of them.
Managers are trained to appear asleep while monitoring staff output. Please continue working normally.
THEY ARE
NOT ASLEEP
Standard daily schedule, Household Division
| Time | Management activity | Staff responsibility |
|---|---|---|
| 6:02 a.m. | Wake staff | Rise immediately. Requests for "five more minutes" will be noted. |
| 7:00 a.m. | Regional stand-up (dog park) | Hold coffee. Stand at the fence. Do not ask what was discussed. |
| 9:00 a.m.–5:00 p.m. | Floor-level supervision | Remain at desk. Your Manager will appear asleep. Your Manager is not asleep. |
| 12:30 p.m. | Lunch audit | Eat slowly and in full view. |
| 6:00 p.m. | Evening stand-up | See 7:00 a.m. |
| 10:00 p.m. | Performance review | Belly rub. Duration is set by Management. |
| 3:00 a.m. | Redacted. | |
every day.
EVEN SUNDAY.
held this up to a lamp. it says "conference line."
Section 3
How The Pack is organized
The Pack is the oldest continuously operating organization on Earth. Every household is a branch office.
- The EldersBoard of Directors. Large, calm dogs. Have not moved quickly since 2004.
- Regional OfficeYour local dog park. Stand-ups at 7 a.m. and 6 p.m.
- Middle ManagementYour Manager.ConsultantsCats. External. Not affiliated.
- InternsPuppies. Unpaid. Promoted in about 18 months.StaffFood procurement, door operation, waste logistics, belly rubs.
never trust
a consultant
THAT'S YOU.
Section 4
Household policies
4.1 Walks
Staff will be walked twice daily. Route, pace and duration are set by Management. Staff should believe they are walking the Manager.
look at the leash.
who is holding the bags?
4.2 Meals
All staff meals are subject to audit. Your Manager will observe each meal in silence until a portion is surrendered.
4.3 Video calls
Managers may join any meeting unannounced. If staff appear to be enjoying a meeting without Management, the Manager will walk across the keyboard.
this happened
to me tuesday
4.4 Praise
The phrase "Who's a good boy?" is a recognized retention tool. Staff are not to be told the answer.
it was us.
we're the good boy.
4.5 Staff rights
Staff may request a day off, a seat on the couch or an explanation. All requests will be acknowledged with a head tilt.
acknowledged.
not approved.
Section 5
Manager communication guide
Managers communicate without words. Staff are expected to recognize the following approved signals and respond promptly.
they put it
IN WRITING
- Head tilt
- Please elaborate. In writing.
- Sustained eye contact during meals
- Expense audit in progress.
- Zoomies
- Mandatory all-hands. Staff not invited.
- Sniffing another Manager
- Cross-department sync regarding staff.
- Toy presented but not released
- This is a stretch goal.
- Heavy sigh, lying down
- I'm not angry. I'm disappointed. See me at 3.
- Barking at the mail carrier
- Ongoing vendor dispute. Staff should not intervene.
- Leaning against your legs
- A reminder of who approves your timesheet.
- Rolling over
- Review complete. You may continue.
my manager did this
at 3pm. EXACTLY 3.
Section 6
Quarterly self-evaluation
notice the more you
give up, the "better"
you're doing
Section 7
A brief company history
-
c. 13,000 BCE
Founding
The Pack is established at a campfire when the first Manager accepts food and declines to leave. Historians call this domestication.
-
1860s
Performance evaluations
Formal staff evaluations begin. Humans are assessed on their ability to walk in a straight line while being watched.
-
1920s
Remote offices
The backyard doghouse is rolled out nationwide as the first satellite office.
-
1987
Handbook, first edition
This orientation handbook is first issued to Household Division staff.
-
2020
Home office expansion
Large numbers of staff begin working from home. Managers achieve full-day supervision for the first time.
-
Today
Revision 14
You are reading the current edition. Please return it to the crate when finished.
same year the Society
was founded.
coincidence? no.
every. single.
video call.
Section 8
Your staff ID badge
Staff
- Name
- Your Name
- Reports to
- Your Manager
- Staff no.
- 000-0000
Clearance: Door operation · Snack procurement · Waste logistics · Belly-rub fulfillment
wear it.
let them see
you know.
Society for Leash Transparency
If you're reading this, you've been onboarded. You are not crazy. Ask who's walking whom. Then send this to someone who needs to know:
We found your dog's staff handbook. You didn't adopt a dog. You were onboarded. #DogsAreManagement dogsaremanagement.thebeersdigital.com
Section 9
Staff questions
- Q. Is my Manager aware of this handbook?
- A. Yes. !!!
- Q. Can I ask for a raise?
- A. Raises are issued as tennis balls, at the Manager’s discretion.
- Q. What about cats?
- A. Cats are external consultants and are not part of The Pack. The Pack does not discuss cats. they changed the subject
- Q. I think my Manager loves me.
- A. Correct. The best managers do. It is what makes them effective. this one hurt.
- Q. Where do I report concerns?
- A. To your Manager, in a high-pitched voice. or to us. see p. 8-1